The Big Kahuna Burger.

Now that is a tasty burger.

While I’ve never seen detailed specs as to what exactly entails a Big Kahuna Burger, I have a pretty good imagination.

• Pepper jack cheese
• Bacon
• Green bell pepper
• Pineapple
• Pineapple-peach salsa
• Red onion rings

This all adds up to success. I’ve made several versions of these… the first of which involved a meat patty that incorporated mango salsa and chopped bell peppers. Another version that was far too tasty for its own good was the Turkey Turkey Kahuna. It featured, naturally, a turkey patty and turkey bacon. That iteration was a hell of a lot easier going down than its beef bretheren.

This burger has a lot of character. It’s colorful and fun, not unlike your crazy Uncle Larry. As a bonus, it tastes a lot better. Make it. MAKE IT!

Heaven on a bun.

A long while back, there was this amazing burger served up by the now defunct “Irish American” sports bar and restaurant Bennigan’s. They slapped a large block of fried mozzarella on top of a burger, smothered it in marinara sauce, and dared you to stuff it in your face hole. They called it the Wheelhouse. Even after they took it off the menu, some establishments were kind enough to recreate the burger with their cheese sticks for a short time afterward, humoring the unlucky cheese and burger junkies who wandered in through their doors. Like me.

• Fried sticks of mozzarella
• Marinara sauce
• Fresh basil leaves

It’s a simple burger, and it is just beautiful. A word of caution: should you buy a popular brand of cheese sticks named after the fun day of the week, I would suggest not using the marinara sauce that comes with. It’s awfully sweet and can threaten to overpower your burger. Might be better off using a regular pasta marinara sauce.

Fried moz on a burger.

The fresh basil is killer.

And heck, how many burgers do you get to eat where you have to concern yourself over pulling away long, gooey threads of mozzarella after each bite? Mmm. Fried pizza! This one is a definite success. If SamsClub sells cheese sticks, they are making their way into my freezer pronto.

Surly's Garden Patch Burger.

Ol’ Surly “Paula Deen” Pigg gave me a mixed bag of his backyard peppers. Told me the lil’ woman wasn’t mean this summer, so his peppers weren’t hot.

Surly is a big fat liar.

I’m not saying his wife is mean. I’m not saying she doesn’t let him come hang out with the boys. I’m not saying she makes him go shopping at the mall. No no.

These peppers are hot.

And if these peppers aren’t hot, then I do not want to meet the man who eats the ones who are. He must have a freight train running through his bowels 24/7 in order to withstand the awesome power of the pepper.

Ahem.

• Pepper jack Cheese
• Two pickle slices
• Hot pepper mustard relish

Yessir. I chopped those bastard peppers up real fine like and mixed them with mustard. Smeared that all over the top bun. This burger, and I don’t mind telling, was painful to eat. My house was on fire. Every bite was like edible Apocalypse Now, and I love the smell of peppers in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong — GOOD BURGER — but have some dairy or a beer handy to wash it down with.

Recovery from the SurlyBurger.

My favorite beverage, of course, being the White Russian. The Wikipedia loves me, so I will reference it instead of ol’ Mister Boston:

• 5 cl Vodka
• 2 cl Coffee liqueur
• 3 cl Part Fresh cream

Bliss in a glass. Especially after chowing down on that hellride of a pepper burger. Salut!

The Fungus Plate.

Ah… number ten. The Fungus plate.

Some people would call it mushrooms and swiss slapped on top of a steak. Well, it’s not. It’s the fungus plate, and that’s the way it’s staying.

• Swiss cheese
• Sauteed Portabella mushroom slices

Its beauty is in its simplicity. I added just a dash of Worcestershire sauce to the mushrooms toward the end of their cooking. This is, of course, a tasty burger. Those are some big, thick slices of mushroom. They shrank a bit during the cooking, but I was prepared for that and cut ‘em extra big. This burger has heft. It has weight. Now I have heft and weight. We were made for each other.

Make it. Do it. Tonight. Do it. Now.

Have one of those frilly glasses of wine to go with. You’ll feel fancy like my cutting board.

Call me McReverend.

Yes, that is a quarter-pound beef patty with cheese. Yes, it tastes exactly like you think it does.

• Cheddar
• Pickles
• Ketchup

So I went a little crazy with the ketchup. I’m not used to the squeezy kind. Who cares when it’s on the burger.

Gosh, there’s really not much to say about this one. I should have wrapped it in paper and brown bagged it. The similarity was astonishing. I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.

It’s a tasty burger, no doubt. Plain and simple. Speaks to the heart and soul of America. I’m sure I’ll make more. I just need to go stew in my moral quandary.

Achtung! Hamburger!

Sie wird Verzicht auf diese Hamburger.

It’s an understatement to say that bratwurst, sauerkraut, and mustard go well together. They were made for each other. It should be criminal to have one without the other. It should also be criminal to put them on a burger, but boy howdy, I did just that.

Get your handcuffs and read me my rights.

• Slice of swiss
• Smoked bratwurst
• Sauerkraut
• Mustard/horseradish mixture

It’s exactly as good as you think it is. If you hate anything in the above ingredient list, then it’s even better than you think it is. It’s heavenly. It’s the perfect burger for foul-smelling beer-swilling pigs.

If you don’t smell foul now, eat the burger and try again.

The Composed Krautburger.

Oh lawdy. It’s juicy. It’s tangy. It’s a lot of trademarked catch phrases from celebrity chefs.

Incidentally, the sausage used in this burger comes from a fantastic North Texas deli, Fischer’s Meat Market, in a lil’ ol’ town called Muenster. If you’re ever passing through, give them a look.

Kiwi machine.

Here’s a burger that, after you make it and tell your friends, they will think you’re pregnant. Even if you have no ovaries. Doesn’t matter. They’ll know. They’ll all know.

Throw down with some:

• Pepper jack cheese
• Kiwi slices
• Pineapple-peach salsa
• Crisp red onion rings.

It’s a fruity burger, no lie. Every bite is like a gnawing on a tropical forest full of parrots and Gandalfs. It’s a sloppy burger — the salsa could have been drained a bit more before adding — but it works. Nice pile of cold, fresh fruit atop a sizzlin’ hot burger. Mmm.

Upon further rumination, I would keep the kiwi and ditch the salsa.

Your friends will fix their gazes upon you. Eyebrows will twitch. That’s not jealousy in their eyes. They just want to know who the daddy is. Pack away one of these? That’s right. You’re the daddy.

The Thick and Heart Stopping.

Cheddar. Bacon. Grilled onions. Pickles.

Steak sauce.

In my college days, I scarfed down an immeasurable quantity of similarly themed and named burgers, usually shortly after midnight. Those were dark, greasy, wonderful days. Nights. Whatever. I never really thought about recreating that wonderful disastronomical dish, but here we are.

Damn, let’s look at that again.

My arteries have turned to play-dough.

Definitely another burger to add to my winner’s circle. Bacon and steak sauce would make even my cat edible. Lucky for him… I’ve got more burgers to do.

The Breakfast Burger

Sooner or later, 8:00 AM rolls around and it’s time to forage for nuts and berries. Yeah. As if.

This here burger is layered with:

• Cheddar cheese
• Two strips of thick slice bacon
• One ring of bell pepper
• One scrambled egg patty
• A kiss of BBQ sauce

All packed together on an English muffin. How dainty!

Well boy, howdy, it doesn’t feel dainty on the way down. This is halfway to biscuits and gravy. This is like powering down a hearty omelet. This one went home to momma and stayed for awhile. Certainly kept my mind off of food until that distant lunch time rolled around.

I’d save this one for special occasions. (You do agree that burgers are special, right?) I generally like my breakfast to be on the simple side. This one took a little more orchestration than I care for. The BBQ sauce is always a lovely touch on the morning eggs, but if that isn’t your bag, salsa is never a bad idea.

The Western

This is a burger from my childhood. It brings my arteries fond memories of bacon grease and barbecue sauce. I should weigh over 9000 pounds from eating several of these a week with the Captain. Perhaps Carl’s Jr still serves these up, only with more heart stopping goodness.

Since Carl is not just down the road for me any longer, I offer up this massive afternoon nap.

• Cheddar cheese
• Bacon
• Onion rings
• Pickles
• BBQ sauce

Now that is a tasty burger. It’s got a fine crunch to it. It drips generously from the sauce. It smells like heaven’s griddle. Thanks to the possibilities afforded by the bagged onion rings found in the frozen food aisle, I will gladly risk my life on another one of these in the future. Salut!