Mystery filling.

In this case, I filled it with a mixture of bell pepper, button mushroom, and artichoke heart. It’s got a good handful of ricotta and mozzarella cheese. It’s glued together with a nice little blender sauce built from a can of tomato puree, carrot, celery, onion, and garlic. Lots of black and cayenne pepper to give it some kick.

Did the dough up in the bread machine, since, well, I’m tired of doing all of that by hand. My usual Sunday pizza dough mixture translated nicely to the machine. I mixed in a bit of paprika for the hell of it. Why not.

• Pizza dough
• Random fillings
• Folded, sealed, and vented
• Baked 15-20 minutes on a hot stone at or around 425 until delicious

Results? Success. They always are. I haven’t eaten one yet, though. These poor boys get cut up and frozen for dinner at a later date. Each pie is two meals, and each batch ends up with four pies. The leftover veggies and sauce were perfect for a big bowl of pasta, which I had instead. Good combination, recommended.

My kitchen is 7′x7′. 7′x3′ of it is floor space. There are two 2′ spans of counter top. This, my friends, is a tiny kitchen.

That is, I might add, not enough.

The place didn’t come with an overhead mounted microwave unit. Want a microwave? It takes up one half of the available counter space. I tried that out for a month or so. I don’t think I cooked much of anything out of sheer frustration. Solution? Get rid of it.

Not entirely, that is. Fortunately, adjacent to the kitchen is another 7′x7′ room that isn’t filled with major appliances or plumbing. A set of shelves bolted to the wall and, hey’o, the microwave is no longer in the way of everything Jesus loves.

Coffee machine? Might as well make use of that otherwise useless ‘bar’ infront of the sink. Beverage central.

Blank wall rendered useless by the opening of the refrigerator door? There’s a few convenient wall studs in there. If I can get my hands on an appropriate piece of hardware, it looks like a great place to have a pot rack.

Still, freeing up the counter space in the kitchen… it’s just not a lot to begin with. I also had some trouble finding a place to fit my chest freezer (tiny fridge-freezers are never enough for me.) Fortunately…

…it makes a great work surface with some large cutting boards or sheets. Lots of room to roll out the pizza dough or pasta noodles.

More as it comes to me.

Apparently, my local grocer sucks. Surprise, surprise. I took a ride a few miles north to a decidedly super food peddler and found what I needed: a can of cranberry concoction for the pilgrim burger. Success.

Here’s to hoping the sandwich doesn’t suck.

Steak Fries.

Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t get in a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t pick up the phone, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don’t fucking roll! Shomer shabbos! -Walter Sobchak

This is sure to turn surlyman’s gut. No burger again! Instead, a lovely plate o’ potato as a go with. What’dya’call’em… home fries? Steak fries? Big ol’ potato wedges. These were drowned in olive oil and smothered in my spice cabinet. Roasted them over the fires of heaven.

Good.

Stuff.

Come to think of it, these might be pretty good on a burger. Just imagine it. Do it.

Is that biscuits and gravy?

Now this is just getting silly. Is that biscuits and gravy… on a burger?

Yes.

• Diced biscuits
• Sausage gravy
• Nom nom nom

It’s handheld heaven. It’s also the messiest thing I’ve done so far. It is wise to let the gravy cool off just a touch (but not enough to congeal) so that when it runs down your fingers while eating, it won’t burn. Trust me, this is going to get gravy everywhere. After the burger is gone, then you have to eat your hands, because they’re so tasty. I’m having to post this burger by henpecking keys with my nose, since all I have left are nubs. Arrrr!

Spicy.

A recommendation from the Reverend… the gallo pinto burger. Or at least, near enough. I left the rice out, so it’s all beans, baby.

• Black beans
• Onion
• Garlic
• Cilantro
• Surly’s jalapenos

Simmered all that over the stove (started off with frying it up in some bacon fat, mmm) and shoved that bean patty onto a bun. Marvelous stuff. It’s a bit like getting double meat on your burger, there.

I spy... a fork and knife?

Well. Now I’ve done it. I made a burger that necessitates the use of cutlery. Shoot, I don’t even know what compelled me to do it. I had a nice platter of french toast sitting there, and I said to myself… give me eight minutes and a slice of swiss, and I’ll turn that sucker into a burger.

Done.

It could only get more french by stuffing a ground horse up in there.

I probably won’t do this one again, but I know what I will do. Forget beef. Make that a sausage patty, and you’ve got some victory right there. Do it.

Why yes, that is jalapeno gravy.

And there is is…

• Slab of chicken fried steak
• Jalapeno cream gravy

…on a bun.

I’d eat this every day for the rest of my life. I’d never tire of it, because my life would be over within a month. Those are some more of surl’s whiskey barrel garden patch jalapenos, and they are damn fine in the sauce. This has so much victory written over it that there’s nothing left for me to say about it but DO IT. DO IT.

Surf and Turf.

I don’t much care for preparing scrimps. It’s not the cooking so much as the cleanup. Cutting out their little poopers is a bore. (And yes, I can see how one might see the Barnyard Apocalypse thumbnail to be resembling a turdburger. I am amused and will probably make… a burger out of it.)

I love eating scrimps though. Love it.

• Scrimps
• Cilantro
• Pepperjack
• Sour cream

And the scrimps… boy howdy. Drenched in butter and lime juice, and pan fried to tastiness. Doused them with cayenne, because I can. Because it’s good.

This burger’s got a ‘crunch’ of sorts, thanks to those shellfish. They’re always a little funny to eat. Makes a nice sandwich, no messin’. The sour cream holds it all together mid-meal. Well done.

The Barnyard Apocalypse.

We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. –Colonel Walter E. Kurtz

Hey, I’m just following orders, and these came straight from the top. Read ‘em and get weepy:

• Massive, meaty pork ribs
• BBQ Sauce

Them’s ribs were rubbed down with a spice mixture of my own devising, wrapped up in foil, doused with beer, and cooked low and slow in the oven for a few hours. When that came to a finish, I laid ‘em out, brushed them down with some BBQ sauce and ran them under the broiler.

Just to make sure those little piggies weren’t going to the market ever again.

This massive multimeat infusion is indeed an achievement. I’ve still got the bones in my freezer to prove it. Well worth doing, and stacks up so nice on a burger. Nice, thick, tender burger. This burger is begging for you to eat it. Crying, mooing, and snorting. Eat it.

EAT ME, SEYMOUR.

Eat it now.