Hello, stranger.

Yes, the burger odyssey tapped out. My physician breathed a sigh of relief, so at least its a win for somebody. To bring it, and surlyman (I hope this sticks in your craw and you choke), a little closure, I’m tossing aside the frozen meat and bringing out patty making.

In the past, I always considered burger making to be carefully forming patties, never pressing on them, etc etc. Making mini meatloafs. To put upon loafs. Hello, carbs. Meet my friend diabetes. Kidding.

A friend of a friend of a friend told me about this wonderful piece of burger exposition: the smash.

Easy peasy.

Smashing!

Things I did wrong:

• Not thin enough. I needed to smash them more. More. MORE. A different spatula would have helped. My usual has long holes in it that leaked burger when I pressed down.
• Prepare fixins beforehand. These suckers cook fast. Greased lightning ahoy. While I was worrying over the camera and pictures, I had forgotten to slice up some onions and cheeses. Woopsie.
• Bought way too big of buns. Seriously. These things are mammoth. (Technically, they were labeled sandwich rolls, but they looked far tastier than the other stuff on the shelf. Same price. Whatever.)
• Not making enough. Six? Who was I kidding?

Nevermind that I ended up taking a bite of the burger before bothering to photograph it. You’ll have to excuse me. I was hungry.

Is that biscuits and gravy?

Now this is just getting silly. Is that biscuits and gravy… on a burger?

Yes.

• Diced biscuits
• Sausage gravy
• Nom nom nom

It’s handheld heaven. It’s also the messiest thing I’ve done so far. It is wise to let the gravy cool off just a touch (but not enough to congeal) so that when it runs down your fingers while eating, it won’t burn. Trust me, this is going to get gravy everywhere. After the burger is gone, then you have to eat your hands, because they’re so tasty. I’m having to post this burger by henpecking keys with my nose, since all I have left are nubs. Arrrr!

Spicy.

A recommendation from the Reverend… the gallo pinto burger. Or at least, near enough. I left the rice out, so it’s all beans, baby.

• Black beans
• Onion
• Garlic
• Cilantro
• Surly’s jalapenos

Simmered all that over the stove (started off with frying it up in some bacon fat, mmm) and shoved that bean patty onto a bun. Marvelous stuff. It’s a bit like getting double meat on your burger, there.

I spy... a fork and knife?

Well. Now I’ve done it. I made a burger that necessitates the use of cutlery. Shoot, I don’t even know what compelled me to do it. I had a nice platter of french toast sitting there, and I said to myself… give me eight minutes and a slice of swiss, and I’ll turn that sucker into a burger.

Done.

It could only get more french by stuffing a ground horse up in there.

I probably won’t do this one again, but I know what I will do. Forget beef. Make that a sausage patty, and you’ve got some victory right there. Do it.

Why yes, that is jalapeno gravy.

And there is is…

• Slab of chicken fried steak
• Jalapeno cream gravy

…on a bun.

I’d eat this every day for the rest of my life. I’d never tire of it, because my life would be over within a month. Those are some more of surl’s whiskey barrel garden patch jalapenos, and they are damn fine in the sauce. This has so much victory written over it that there’s nothing left for me to say about it but DO IT. DO IT.

Surf and Turf.

I don’t much care for preparing scrimps. It’s not the cooking so much as the cleanup. Cutting out their little poopers is a bore. (And yes, I can see how one might see the Barnyard Apocalypse thumbnail to be resembling a turdburger. I am amused and will probably make… a burger out of it.)

I love eating scrimps though. Love it.

• Scrimps
• Cilantro
• Pepperjack
• Sour cream

And the scrimps… boy howdy. Drenched in butter and lime juice, and pan fried to tastiness. Doused them with cayenne, because I can. Because it’s good.

This burger’s got a ‘crunch’ of sorts, thanks to those shellfish. They’re always a little funny to eat. Makes a nice sandwich, no messin’. The sour cream holds it all together mid-meal. Well done.

The Barnyard Apocalypse.

We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. –Colonel Walter E. Kurtz

Hey, I’m just following orders, and these came straight from the top. Read ‘em and get weepy:

• Massive, meaty pork ribs
• BBQ Sauce

Them’s ribs were rubbed down with a spice mixture of my own devising, wrapped up in foil, doused with beer, and cooked low and slow in the oven for a few hours. When that came to a finish, I laid ‘em out, brushed them down with some BBQ sauce and ran them under the broiler.

Just to make sure those little piggies weren’t going to the market ever again.

This massive multimeat infusion is indeed an achievement. I’ve still got the bones in my freezer to prove it. Well worth doing, and stacks up so nice on a burger. Nice, thick, tender burger. This burger is begging for you to eat it. Crying, mooing, and snorting. Eat it.

EAT ME, SEYMOUR.

Eat it now.

Moo? Moo?

There’s a nice lil’ chicken chain around that does a tasty sandwich of fried chicken with two crucial pickles. They happen to have a tasty BBQ sauce to go with. You know the one. They’ve got those cows prancing about demanding you eat more chicken, albeit with a rather urban dialect.

Well, I’m eating one of those cows.

• Fried beef patty
• Two crucial pickles
• BBQ sauce

Piping hot and as tasty as the feathered variety. Moo! Moo!

Polentaburger.

I wanted Italian today. Thing is, I also needed to do a burger. What happened? Polentaburger. Burgolenta. Polurgerenta. Crap names, good burger.

• Round of firm polenta
• Swiss cheese
• Marinara sauce
• Basil leaves

I invested a good amount of time on the stove for this one. First the polenta (40 minutes) followed by the marinara (20 minutes). Verdict? Worthwhile. Totally. Polenta’s a bit strange on a burger, I will admit. The consistency is not all that different from the bun it’s under. Now, depending how you make it, the flavor is amazing. The marinara seals the meal. The only regret I have is that I made only one.

Lo, I have become death. Dealer of burgers.

It’s like getting your fresh tomato, onion, and lettuce, only… different. With a big block of corn. CORN. (I smell a future burger in the works, baby.)

Crab sandwich, yes?

Some people might content themselves with a crab cake sandwich. That’s a wad of crab, rice, and spices wedged between some buns with a bit of gooey tartar sauce thrown in the mix.

Not me.

That's a crab cake burger.

See what I did there? Possibly not, owing to the camera angle. I cut the crab cake in half… I cut that sucker in half and laid a beef patty inside!

• Crab cake
• Pepperjack cheese
• Tartar sauce
• Louisiana hot sauce

That’s right, crab-beef-cheese-crab. It’s a messy bit of eating, for sure, and  I’d do it again in a heartbeat. The only thing stopping me now is that I’m too full to move.